Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

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The Pancreas of S.T.F.U. | Never take life too seriously - nobody gets out alive anyway.
Disco_jim: um..... I have no excuse. | Chips: Thank the Beef | Rev Dr: Beef, I think i wee'd a little

Q) How do you kill an entire circus at once?

A) Go for the Jugguler.

wait I got a short joke.


im well hung.

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UBER Admin
Follow it is I teh Diabetes man on TWITTER
http://twitter.com/tehdiabetesman

What does D.N.A stand for?.........



-National Dyslexic Association

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Financial Adviser of STFU...and ENRON

Surley thats S.M.K.L ?

I went home the other night and some fooker was nicking the garden gate
I didnt wanna say anything incase he took a fence ..... boom boom

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"If your going to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite."- Winston Churchill
three and a half foot long??? dude, it could have swallowed you whole! 3jorn=GCHQ=

Q ) Whats got four legs and goes sshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh??

A ) Rod Hull's telly


Q ) What goes clip-clop-clip-clop-BANG-clippety-clop-clippety-clop?

A ) An Amish drive-by shooting!


Q ) What do you call a lesbian with thick fingers?

A ) Well hung!!

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"I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself...."

Hehehehehehe

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Insert unfunny comment here ->

Q ) Why dont worms have balls???

A ) Because the can't dance!

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"I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself...."

My first proper contribution

Little Sam asks his dad for a bike for Christmas. 'No, we've got a £80,000 mortgage and your mum's just lost her job' says his dad.

The next morning, dad finds Sam backing his bags ready to leave. 'Why are you leaving?' dad asks.

Sam replies 'Well last night I walked past yours and mummy's room, you said "I'm pulling out" then mummy said "wait a minute I'm coming too". You've got another thing coming If you think I'm gonna be left with a £80,000 mortgage and no f***ing bike either!'

A man walks into a bar......


Ouch

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How can you tell if a West Virginia girl is a virgin?

If she can run faster than her brothers.



A guy decides it's time he got married. He gives each of his current girlfriends $1,000. One spends $200 on clothes and puts $800 in the bank. Second spends $800 on clothes and puts $200 in the bank. Third puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one did he marry? The one with the big boobs.




Guy walks into a restaurant. He sits down and this ugly waitress comes over. He then orders a hamburger with ketchup and a hot dog. So five minutes later the waitress comes back with a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. So the man asks, “Where's the burger?”
Then the waitress lifts up her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit and says, “I was keeping it warm.”
Disgusted he says, “Please cancel my hotdog...”

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I
know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home', "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?". "Well," said the vet, "let's have a
look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down.".
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?", "No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." ..."How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.

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Went to a zoo, they only had one animal there, a dog............. It was a shitzu....



I’z leakin… bring amberlamps

That sounds very much like the amazing Milton Jones (with some Tommy Cooper thrown in)

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My weekly run in Kinder Scout (17 miles, 2000ft above sea level)http://tinyurl.com/4hcpn

and the best of the bunch


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled
him in.


BOOM BOOM


whorahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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"If your going to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite."- Winston Churchill
three and a half foot long??? dude, it could have swallowed you whole! 3jorn=GCHQ=